Below, Robert Coplan shares five key insights from his new book, The Joy of Solitude: How to Reconnect with Yourself in an Overconnected World.
Robert is a psychology researcher and professor who studies the costs and benefits of solitude across the lifespan. He currently teaches in the Department of Psychology at Carleton University.
What’s the big idea?
There is a key difference between solitude and loneliness. Everyone needs some degree of alone time—whether that’s a little, or a lot. Without the ability to take comfort in spending time by ourselves, we miss out on the well-being benefits healthy solitude can bring.
1. Solitude is not loneliness.
Imagine going to a party where you don’t know many people. You might spend most of the night standing in a corner, nursing a drink, and watching everyone else engage in warm and lively conversations, punctuated by occasional laughs. After this type of experience, many people would leave feeling lonelier than when they got there.
Loneliness is a negative emotion that comes from the perception that there is a discrepancy between our desired and actual social connections. It represents a dissatisfaction with our social lives. Loneliness sucks—and can significantly damage our well-being, mental health, and even physical health.
Although loneliness is often equated with solitude, these are not the same thing. As illustrated by the example of the party, we can feel lonely even when we are surrounded by others, but also many people spend time in solitude and do not feel lonely at all.
So, what is solitude? Whereas loneliness is a bad feeling, solitude is a place. It is a place, particularly if we choose to go there, that can offer us respite from social stresses, a chance to recharge our batteries, take the edge off intense emotions, allow us to reflect and self-discover, and provide an incubator for problem-solving and creative ideas.
2. You are not alone if you are craving more time alone.
Loneliness is what often happens when you feel like you are spending too much time alone (particularly when it is unwanted). But what about the feeling that you are not spending enough time alone?
“I coined the term aloneliness to describe the negative feelings that can arise from a discrepancy between our desired and actual solitude.”
When I first started exploring this idea a few years ago, I was surprised to learn that not only has this not been the focus of previous research, but there does not even seem to be a word in the English language to describe this specific feeling. So, I made one up. Representing what I think of as the mirror image of loneliness, I coined the term aloneliness to describe the negative feelings that can arise from a discrepancy between our desired and actual solitude, such as dissatisfaction with our solitary lives.
It turns out that similarly to loneliness, aloneliness also can make us feel stressed, sad, and angry. In one study, members of couples who felt more alonely, who desired more time for solitude, pressed a button more often to place a pin in a virtual voodoo doll representing their romantic partner. So, when you tell your loved ones that you need some me time, let them know it will make things better for everyone.
3. We all need solitude—even extraverts.
Are you an extravert? Does social engagement fuel your energy and boost your mood? If so, you also likely find solitude at best boring, and at worst aversive, depleting, and depressing. Not surprisingly, extraverts often seek to reduce or downright avoid spending time alone. When they do find themselves in solitude, extraverts tend to seek social stimulation and connection on their phones (either with real people or chatbots).
Of course, we all need social connection. Yet, although we talk about it a lot less, we all (extraverts included) also need alone time. But by avoiding solitude and “social washing” their alone time, extraverts are missing out on the good stuff that solitude can offer.
This may be surprisingly easy to fix. Recent research suggests that just learning about what solitude has to offer can improve people’s experiences of alone time. It is also the case that you don’t need a two-hour walk in the woods to gain these benefits. As little as 15 minutes a day can have a positive impact. You can start with just a few minutes a day and slowly build up your solitude muscles.
“Recent research suggests that just learning about what solitude has to offer can improve people’s experiences of alone time.”
It is also not the case that we need to just sit alone with our thoughts for solitude to be helpful. Although meditation is awesome and offers real benefits for well-being and health, a wide variety of different solitary activities also seem to work: reading a book, listening to music, going for a walk, knitting, or anything else that you find engaging and enjoyable. One caveat is that it is probably best to put your phone away—or at least turn off your notifications. We don’t need a steady stream of alerts interfering with me time!
4. Parents can help children develop their capacity for solitude.
Parents likely know that learning to get along well with others is critical for children as they develop. I think it is fair to say that children also need some alone time. However, in a world where children are increasingly over-programmed and can connect to their friends with a click, the capacity to enjoy time alone is rapidly becoming a lost art.
For younger children, solitude fosters independence, provides opportunities to try things out and practice new skills, and offers a safe place to work through the ‘big feelings’ that can be overwhelming at this age. For older children, solitude offers a break from growing social pressures and expectations. Between family, school, and an ever-increasing array of extracurricular activities, time alone can be a particularly scarce commodity at this age. For teenagers, solitude increasingly becomes a place for self-exploration, where they can try to figure out some of the ‘big questions’ common at this age, like “Who am I?” and “Who do I want to be?”
Parents need to be vigilant about unhealthy solitude, which can be a place of sadness, worry, and loneliness for some children. But it is also important for parents to foster children’s capacity for positive solitude. Parents can help by simply scheduling times for ‘solo playing’ into their younger children’s regular routine. And don’t give in too easily if they protest—a little boredom can be a gateway to creativity and imagination.
For older children, be mindful of the need for downtime as a respite from social environments that conspire against opportunities for solitude at this age. Parents of teens should acknowledge their increasing need for privacy and understand that there will be instances when spending time alone really is the best thing for them. And of course, parents need their alone time too.
5. In the end, it’s all about balance.
In the fairytale Goldilocks and the Three Bears, the little girl Goldilocks is happiest when she finds things that are best suited for her—like porridge that is not too hot and not too cold, but just right. This is why I am always suspicious of precise prescriptions about how much time alone or with others people need each day.
“We all have our own ‘just right’ combination of time alone and time with others.”
It is becoming increasingly clear that the optimal balance between solitude and socializing is different for everyone. And this is okay. We all need social connection, and we all need solitude, but the exact combination of these things to maximize well-being is highly individualized.
One easy way to try this out is to keep a solitude diary over a week or two, where you record your time alone, time socializing, and mood at the end of each day. Look for patterns and adjust as you can along the way. We all have our own ‘just right’ combination of time alone and time with others. Satisfying both of these needs will serve us best.
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